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Sunday, August 2, 2015

What is life?

I can't be the only post-grad struggling with the future, right?! Well, if I am, just pretend with me here.

I went to school for four years. Some of the hardest years of my life, really, and came out the other end thinking "I am done, I know what I'm going to do, and I am going to love it!" Well, I started what I thought would be a life-long career. Unfortunately, I didn't love it. In fact, I felt so out of place doing that work, it did not feel fair to continue it. So now I'm here, not knowing what I'm doing next. It's a frustrating spot to be in because I have someone who is counting on me to make decisions, make moves, and make money. I feel a bit like a failure, but in perspective, I'm not the first to change career paths. 

It is scary to think about, to feel like I may be starting all over again, but I'm only 23, I'm still young, and I have time to figure it out, right? I keep thinking that I'll think of something, get a job or go back to school and BAM! it will be perfect. But I'm realizing that life doesn't really work that way. Life doesn't always just fall in to place the way you want it to, need it to, or even think it should.

I'm really struggling with "Let go and let God" because I want answers right now. I hate not being in control because, c'mon, it's scary! But, I've learned that my faith really drives me. If I just leave it up to God, he will lead me down the path I am supposed to be on. If it's meant to be, God will let it be. 

If you're struggling with anything, or know someone who is, I urge you to reach out to a family member or friend, or pray if you are the praying type. Getting out your struggles, sadness, frustrations, or thoughts can be very therapeutic.

Xo, C*

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

How long has it been?

I don't even write this blog for anyone to read anymore. I think I just need an outlet to write myself. Why do I keep it public? Because in some ways, it keeps me accountable. If I post I'm going to do something, well, I should probably do it. If I don't, in some ways... I start to feel guilty. If I say something... well, now it's out there for the whole internet to see FOREVER. Is that a good thing? Most times, not. Just head on over to my other blog, the teen mom one, yeah. I'm a little disturbed at the things that I said as an 18 year old. But in my head, maybe, just maybe, I gave someone a different perspective, or I changed someone's mind about something, or maybe I prevented another 18 year old from making the mistakes I did at that age. And maybe NONE of that happened and I'm just full of myself. Whatever ;)

Lots has happened since August.
I graduated. YES. Freakin' finally.
4 years of college with a baby/toddler/preschooler was TOUGH. And not to mention the destructive relationship I started with. Ugh.
But everything seems like such a new start.
New city. New job. New-ish relationship. New state of mind.

Things are looking up. I love my little family. I love my job. I love my relationship. I love my life! :)

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Single parenthood, young moms, stereotypes

Am I the only one sick of ALWAYS hearing some stereotype about single parents or, and especially, teen/young moms? Cause let me tell you, the majority of young parents are NOT crappy, welfare-abusing people who don't take care of their kids. Yes, sad, that there are those people out there, teen mom & not teen mom, but not everyone is like that. There are many examples of single mothers who started as teen mothers that I've seen. Sure, not perfect, but doing their best! Many of these women I have seen grown in front of my own eyes, their kids are now years old, no longer newborns. They have gotten through some type of schooling, working job upon job, just trying to make sure their children come first. Some of these women may or may not be getting state assistance, but if they are, I ask you NOT to judge. I ask you to quit acting like they are less of a human being for needing assistance, for acting like I am less of a human being for doing anything and everything I can to make sure my son and I live comfortably. Many of these young women, including myself, fall with the burden of full responsibility of their child. That means taking on the cost of diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, toys, clothes, food. Then as they grow older you start paying for daycare, extracurricular activities, and preschool. It's a lot of money. Even in a two parent household, kids are expensive, but just think about being the only one paying for everything. Not to mention expenses that come with being a young person.
Luckily, there is public assistance that many young, single mothers can apply for to help with their usually smaller budget. Many women can get this assistance, not because they are lazy, but usually because they don't have the education to get a good paying job with benefits. For the first year of Cole's life, I worked my ass off at Red Lobster making minimal money and barely covering just the rent. I would, every once in a while, pick up a second job, usually something that was only $7.25 an hour, but flexible enough for my student/mommy life. I know many women in my position. Women who work full-time jobs and then work something part time in the evenings, to make ends meet. Women who work factory or labor-heavy jobs, 10 hour inconvenient shifts, just to make sure their kid(s) have everything they need. Before you speak ill on single mothers, just remember that they are still human beings who may have made a poor decision, a decision that landed them in their situation, but that gives you no right to judge.
Trust me, I have done my fair share of judging, especially before I had a child of my own, but my eyes opened to the struggle. I can see how some young mothers can't step out of their "teen" stage. The truth is, I am only 22. I see other 22 year olds being crazy, going out non-stop, being financially irresponsible. People say, "Oh, they're young, they'll learn." How is that not the same with other 22 year olds? Yes, they have a kid or kids, but that doesn't mean they don't make mistakes, or have poor judgement sometimes. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes, sometimes going out way too often, spending too much money on things I don't need. I know. But I am 22 years old. I'm not the smartest or the wisest I'll be in life, I'm going to make more mistakes, people will judge me for making those mistakes, but why? Why, when we all do it?
I just ask that you think before posting something stupid on facebook about how all teen mothers live off of the system. Or about how all teen moms are sluts, or alcoholics, or how teen moms need to stay at home with their kids all of the time, because their moms. Not even adult mothers stay at home with their kids 24/7. And those young, single mothers that tear down other young moms for "living off of the state"? Make sure you have your facts straight and PLEASE don't lump them all in to one category. Just because you don't receive state assistance does NOT make you better than me, or than others. It just means you're struggling, but so am I.

This was just a huge rant, and I'm sure someone will tell me how "dumb" I am for defending such a "hot topic", but if you don't know me, now you have a glimpse. My boyfriend will be the first person to tell you that I like to argue hot topic issues, and this is just purely opinion.

I also do want to say, before someone else does, that I know that NO ONE told me to get pregnant, forced me to get pregnant, or otherwise. I made a mistake as an 18 year old, rebellious, girl. I am now "paying" for it for the rest of my life, but in the best way possible. The past 4+ years of my life have been incredibly heartbreaking and hard, but also the best. I never knew what it was to love until I met Cole. But I should not be looked down upon because I had a child so young. I should not be judged because I do what I have to do to raise my child. & neither should anybody else. We unfortunately cannot walk a mile in everyone's shoes, but we should still be compassionate to their lives. We do not know what every single person goes through in every day life.

Just something to think about on this Saturday night.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014


OMG. I never thought I'd feel like I was getting anywhere, but hard work does pay off. Over the last 3ish weeks, I've been trying to really go hard in the gym and the kitchen. There were many days I didn't make it to the gym and many days I didn't eat how I should've, but I started new the next day. I never gave up, and now I have some arm results to share. I have no "measurements", per se, I don't remember the last time I took measurements, but my body is responding really well to lifting.
So, here it is!:
I feel good. I wish the rest of my body looked so good, but it is getting there! My calves are getting stronger as are my tris! This journey has been amazing so far, I know I can get far, I will do it.

I'm so lucky I have a great support system in this journey, as well as all of my other journeys.
I'm getting nervous just cause school is starting in a couple of weeks, I don't want to feel too overwhelmed with everything, so I'm hoping that even with school coming back, I will keep at it in the gym!

Follow me, comment, message, let me hear your thoughts, your stories, I truly want to!


Monday, August 4, 2014

It's been forever...

It really has. I've been really busy just living life. I've had so much fun this summer with my son, my boyfriend, my family, and my friends. It has just really been amazing and eye-opening.
I've gotten to do fun things like watch toddler soccer games, go to the children's museum, celebrate my child's birthday, go swimming, travel, etc.
Now, I'm getting ready for myself and Cole to go to school. He starts pre-k NEXT week, you guys. I just don't know how I feel about that. As for me? Well, this semester is (hopefully!) the last of my undergrad. Um, yes. Crazy and unbelievable! I'm almost there, I've almost done it! Through tough times, rough relationships, single parenting, I'm ALMOST done. I never thought I could've gotten this far, honestly. But, here I am :)

Now on to why I started this blog. I really have wanted to get in to shape for a long time. I've always had a love hate relationship with working out, going to the gym, eating right, drinking water, etc. In high school, I was a big fan of running. About twice a week or so, my mom and I would go run a mile or two around a local high school track. It was fun, exhilarating, and enough exercise for me. After high school, I dabbled in "at-home" workouts, but I've realized that it doesn't really work for me. I like going to the gym now and I've recently started an affair with lifting. Now, I don't do as much cardio, but I am trying to incorporate it back in to my workout. I'm on week 3 of a bodybuilding.com program by fitness model Jamie Eason. It's super easy to follow and there are pictures and videos if you don't know how to do a workout. It's also really helped that my wonderful, awesome boyfriend comes to the gym with me every once in awhile. He really pushes me while lifting, even if I get annoyed cause I think I can't do it.
If you are wanting to start a fitness/weight loss journey, I recommend to research! Google, ask a personal trainer at your gym, ask a friend who frequents the gym, just ask, don't be afraid! It was hard for me to ask, but I'm finally getting more comfortable with it. I also really try to motivate myself any way I can. I follow instagram accounts like Flex It Pink, which is a female empowerment account that also makes fitness apparel. It's nice to see other people going through the same things as me, trying to be their best, their healthiest, it really motivates me. But ultimately, I have to seek within myself for the motivation and trust me, that's the most difficult. You can want something so bad, but never even do anything about it. That's where I've been stuck for too long. Now, I'm here. Making a weight loss calendar, sticking to a schedule, trying really hard to eat decently, etc. It's hard, but I'm done wishing, I want to be THERE. I'm super impatient, so it's been a rough 3 weeks not really feeling like I'm getting anywhere, but I know I just need to keep plugging along and I'll see results.
Follow me in my journey and share yours! Let's motivate each other! Follow me on insta and twitter and let's talk :)


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

My Life Described in ONE Sentence..

I love this more and more every time I see this.
I had a child at 18. Not my plan, but I'm happier than ever.
I started college a semester late and I'm not majoring in any type of fashion education. Also not the plan, but I fell in love with social services/criminal justice/family studies and I'm graduating from college in December.
My first, "serious" relationship failed, even when I wanted a family so bad. Again...not the plan. But, let me be the first to tell you how amazing it is that that plan did not go through!
There are many things that didn't go as planned..and I'm a planner..so, sometimes it gives me anxiety attacks that everything isn't a dream right now, but I am happy. I'm alive. I'm grateful. I'm loved & I love.
What else could I really ask for?


Sunday, April 6, 2014

Being a mother...

Is probably my favorite thing to do, but it is also one of the roughest experiences I've had in my life. I was only 18 when I became a mother and although I've had my fair share of experiences by now, motherhood does NOT get any easier. The tantrums get louder, the talk back happens more frequently, and the whining becomes an every day thing. Sometimes I wonder, "what am I doing?"
Then Cole happens all over again and I remember why I do everything I do. Seriously, that kid is amazing birth control, but he also reminds me of why my life is so meaningful. I do everything for this kid because I want him to live as good of a life as I did growing up.

I have two great parents who have been pretty constant in my life. They taught me how to be the strong person I am today, but they also knew how to spoil the hell out of me every once in a while ;)
Cole does not have two parents in his life, unfortunately, which puts a lot of stress on me. School full-time is enough to send anyone overboard alone, but I also work, now more than ever. I recently got a new job where I don't get the flexibility of working just a couple days a week as a server and making decent money, but I do get the stability of guaranteed hours and pay. The reason I picked up this new job is that with a growing child comes growing expenses. I've been lucky to have help from my parents, or have leftover money from scholarships, to help me fuel my expenses, but it's starting to not be enough. I have rent, utilities, "fancy" expenses (as I call them, including my dvr ;), clothes, food, etc. Now, with Cole becoming older, I have things like Pre-k and sports to add to the list. I also want to be putting money away for him and I and start saving up to buy a house. I need a stable job for this!
Now that hours are becoming a little more intense, I'm starting to realize that I'm not doing as well as I thought I would. Exhaustion is becoming my daily life, I look like a zombie! I also feel guilty for not being with Cole all.of.the.time. And I'm feeling a lot of resentment building up: resentment as his father, mostly, for not being a stable, good person that could help me out and be there for his son.
But then I see the most precious, innocent little being: when he's sleeping, when he's playing a game, when he's laughing, or crying, I realize that I'm creating such a fascinating, funny, dramatic, little man, and that ONE day he will realize all that I did and will continue to do for him. For he is my everything.