Learn More

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Being a mother...

Is probably my favorite thing to do, but it is also one of the roughest experiences I've had in my life. I was only 18 when I became a mother and although I've had my fair share of experiences by now, motherhood does NOT get any easier. The tantrums get louder, the talk back happens more frequently, and the whining becomes an every day thing. Sometimes I wonder, "what am I doing?"
Then Cole happens all over again and I remember why I do everything I do. Seriously, that kid is amazing birth control, but he also reminds me of why my life is so meaningful. I do everything for this kid because I want him to live as good of a life as I did growing up.

I have two great parents who have been pretty constant in my life. They taught me how to be the strong person I am today, but they also knew how to spoil the hell out of me every once in a while ;)
Cole does not have two parents in his life, unfortunately, which puts a lot of stress on me. School full-time is enough to send anyone overboard alone, but I also work, now more than ever. I recently got a new job where I don't get the flexibility of working just a couple days a week as a server and making decent money, but I do get the stability of guaranteed hours and pay. The reason I picked up this new job is that with a growing child comes growing expenses. I've been lucky to have help from my parents, or have leftover money from scholarships, to help me fuel my expenses, but it's starting to not be enough. I have rent, utilities, "fancy" expenses (as I call them, including my dvr ;), clothes, food, etc. Now, with Cole becoming older, I have things like Pre-k and sports to add to the list. I also want to be putting money away for him and I and start saving up to buy a house. I need a stable job for this!
Now that hours are becoming a little more intense, I'm starting to realize that I'm not doing as well as I thought I would. Exhaustion is becoming my daily life, I look like a zombie! I also feel guilty for not being with Cole all.of.the.time. And I'm feeling a lot of resentment building up: resentment as his father, mostly, for not being a stable, good person that could help me out and be there for his son.
But then I see the most precious, innocent little being: when he's sleeping, when he's playing a game, when he's laughing, or crying, I realize that I'm creating such a fascinating, funny, dramatic, little man, and that ONE day he will realize all that I did and will continue to do for him. For he is my everything.

No comments:

Post a Comment