How long has it been?

I don't even write this blog for anyone to read anymore. I think I just need an outlet to write myself. Why do I keep it public? Because in some ways, it keeps me accountable. If I post I'm going to do something, well, I should probably do it. If I don't, in some ways... I start to feel guilty. If I say something... well, now it's out there for the whole internet to see FOREVER. Is that a good thing? Most times, not. Just head on over to my other blog, the teen mom one, yeah. I'm a little disturbed at the things that I said as an 18 year old. But in my head, maybe, just maybe, I gave someone a different perspective, or I changed someone's mind about something, or maybe I prevented another 18 year old from making the mistakes I did at that age. And maybe NONE of that happened and I'm just full of myself. Whatever ;)

Lots has happened since August.
I graduated. YES. Freakin' finally.
4 years of college with a baby/toddler/preschooler was TOUGH. And not to mention the destructive relationship I started with. Ugh.
But everything seems like such a new start.
New city. New job. New-ish relationship. New state of mind.

Things are looking up. I love my little family. I love my job. I love my relationship. I love my life! :)

My Life Described in ONE Sentence..

I love this more and more every time I see this.
I had a child at 18. Not my plan, but I'm happier than ever.
I started college a semester late and I'm not majoring in any type of fashion education. Also not the plan, but I fell in love with social services/criminal justice/family studies and I'm graduating from college in December.
My first, "serious" relationship failed, even when I wanted a family so bad. Again...not the plan. But, let me be the first to tell you how amazing it is that that plan did not go through!
There are many things that didn't go as planned..and I'm a planner..so, sometimes it gives me anxiety attacks that everything isn't a dream right now, but I am happy. I'm alive. I'm grateful. I'm loved & I love.
What else could I really ask for?

XXOO
C

Being a mother...

Is probably my favorite thing to do, but it is also one of the roughest experiences I've had in my life. I was only 18 when I became a mother and although I've had my fair share of experiences by now, motherhood does NOT get any easier. The tantrums get louder, the talk back happens more frequently, and the whining becomes an every day thing. Sometimes I wonder, "what am I doing?"
Then Cole happens all over again and I remember why I do everything I do. Seriously, that kid is amazing birth control, but he also reminds me of why my life is so meaningful. I do everything for this kid because I want him to live as good of a life as I did growing up.

I have two great parents who have been pretty constant in my life. They taught me how to be the strong person I am today, but they also knew how to spoil the hell out of me every once in a while ;)
Cole does not have two parents in his life, unfortunately, which puts a lot of stress on me. School full-time is enough to send anyone overboard alone, but I also work, now more than ever. I recently got a new job where I don't get the flexibility of working just a couple days a week as a server and making decent money, but I do get the stability of guaranteed hours and pay. The reason I picked up this new job is that with a growing child comes growing expenses. I've been lucky to have help from my parents, or have leftover money from scholarships, to help me fuel my expenses, but it's starting to not be enough. I have rent, utilities, "fancy" expenses (as I call them, including my dvr ;), clothes, food, etc. Now, with Cole becoming older, I have things like Pre-k and sports to add to the list. I also want to be putting money away for him and I and start saving up to buy a house. I need a stable job for this!
Now that hours are becoming a little more intense, I'm starting to realize that I'm not doing as well as I thought I would. Exhaustion is becoming my daily life, I look like a zombie! I also feel guilty for not being with Cole all.of.the.time. And I'm feeling a lot of resentment building up: resentment as his father, mostly, for not being a stable, good person that could help me out and be there for his son.
But then I see the most precious, innocent little being: when he's sleeping, when he's playing a game, when he's laughing, or crying, I realize that I'm creating such a fascinating, funny, dramatic, little man, and that ONE day he will realize all that I did and will continue to do for him. For he is my everything.

Xo,
C*